Sweet Talking
by Daisy Blue
Summary: Falling in love is all about learning to compromise. In the Lily Evans’ dictionary, compromise means never having to admit she’s wrong. [Lily & James oneshot] One story, two versions.
1. Version 1

**One story. Two versions. Originally I got half-way through writing this in second person before deciding that I didn't like it, rewriting it in conventional old third person and half-way through that deciding that neither were quite what I had in mind. Anyhow, rather that trying to give the verdict myself, I thought 'hey, why don't I finish both, post them and ask everybody else?' So, I did just that and here we are. More than usual, I would love reviews with your thoughts on which one you prefer, if either. Also, as a disclaimer, I got this idea from an email (you may have gotten it too at some point or other I your lifetime) and incidentally, some of the words and definitions are not my own although I did adjust some and add new ones to fit Lily.**

**Summary: **Falling in love is all about learning to compromise. In the Lily Evans' dictionary, compromise means never having to admit she's wrong. [Lily & James oneshot

**---**

**Basics for Beginners**

**Version 1**

You never have and never will understand the female species. Personally, you think they're too bloody hard to understand! You think there should be a dictionary, or a manual, to the way a girl's mind works. A translation of what they say and what they really mean. An explanation of all the mad things they do so poor useless slobs like yourself can damn well understand what and where you've gone wrong.

The first time you saw her she took your breath away. Come on, you didn't mean to walk straight into her trolley but it sure did knock the wind out of you for a second or two. But the stunning, eleven-year-old redhead, her startling green eyes wide with horror certainly made up for the few bruises you attained.

From that moment on you should have known she'd one day be the death of you. After all, it wasn't just any girl you'd pursue relentlessly, be cursed into oblivion for and left the bruised and battered soul you are today. Yet that's just what you did for her. And somehow, you will never quite fathom how - although you still attribute it all to your dashing good looks and irresistible smile - you charmed her. It wasn't easy by any means but you did it. You always do.

Unfortunately for your poor ears however, that didn't necessarily mean it would avert her fierce redhead temper from your tactless and hair-wrenchingly infuriating actions. And no matter how many unlucky times you'll be required to grovel at her feet, you'll never get used to it. But for her, it's always worth it.

There are a few, shall we call them ground rules, you've learnt in your time. Nothing a woman, especially your woman, ever says is what she actually means. And what's more you're actually required to understand her. Or else. You don't want to go there.

When she says 'maybe' what she really means is yes. Unfortunately for you that also means there is so way you're going to get out of next week's housewarming party she told you about this morning. That also means you'll be required to goo and gaa over how beautiful 'Ickle Archie' is as he spews all down the back of your favourite quidditch jumper.

'I'll think about it' is the same thing as 'of course'.

'I'll see' translates to 'never in a million years'. Don't get your hopes up about hosting Frank's Buck's night either, considering Sirius is planning the entertainment.

'I suppose' means that she desperately wants to say no but your puppy dog eyes are making the guilt build up and she can't bare your disappointed face so she is reluctantly agreeing to whatever insane idea you have just sprouted.

'No' indicates that she really wants to say yes but she doesn't want to seem overeager and wants to make you squirm first before really saying yes. And I know what you're thinking and no, that does not mean that she really did want to go out with you for all those years. If memory serves correctly you'll see that her exact phrases were more along the lines of:

"_No way in hell!"_

"_Get lost Potter!"_

"_I'd rather date the giant squid. Or Snape!"_

"_Get out of my way before I hex you."_

"_F off Potter!"_

"_I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a fork."_

"_Go jump off the astronomy tower."_

"_GET OUT OF THE GIRLS' BATHROOMS YOU PERVERT!"_

"_Potter, if I've said it once then I've said it a thousand times. Do I really look that desperate?"_

You'll never fathom why girls' can't just say what they damn well mean. You think the whole lot if it is bullocks and worse than any code. In fact, it _is_ a code. And unfortunately it's one you're going to need to know inside out and upside down. In other words, it's the Bible.

'Fine' is the word she uses to end an argument when she feels, or should I say knows, that she is right and you need to shut up before she belts you.

"_I can't believe you James Potter!" She screams. "It's completely ruined!"_

_Look at the offending object that you have ruined. It is her favourite skirt that is now covered in green slimy goo. Wince. Not even you want to touch it. It was aimed at Snape._

"_It's not ruined. Look, it'll just come off with a bit of water." Being the incredibly bright wizard that you are, aim your wand at the skirt and shoot water out the end. Don't be surprised when her face turns red with fury._

"_Now look what you've done!" She is completely drenched. Maybe don't try and use a drying charm on her. Your life is already at stake._

_Look sheepishly at her. She won't fall for it. "Sorry Lily. I didn't mean for that to happen. I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you a new one."_

_Her face is still set in anger. Keep apologising profusely until she cuts you off._

"_Fine." She says shortly. This is your cue to shut up. _

This basically sums up every argument you have.

"_How do I look?" She is standing in front of the mirror gazing critically at her reflection. She has been for the past half an hour. And for the two hours before that she has been getting herself ready despite you having told her that it is a 'casual' get together. To her, this clearly means 'semi-formal' as opposed to 'formal'. She still believes that you are joking about going in jeans and a t-shirt._

_Look up carefully from where you have been falling asleep for the past two and a half hours from boredom. "Fine."_

_Wrong thing to say. Watch her face grow pink. Brace yourself for yet another argument. _

Never use 'fine' to describe how she looks. Ever. This will only cause you to have yet another one of those arguments. As you just proved.

'Five minutes'. This is the same thing as half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that you will be playing quidditch for before you help with anything, so it's an even trade.

"_Lily, can you please get out of the shower?" Ask patiently but rap on the door anyway._

"_Stop being so impatient. I'll be five minutes."_

_---_

"_Lily, we've been shopping for Christmas presents for ages. Are we nearly done yet?" Try and keep the whine out of your voice, it will only infuriate her further._

"_We're nearly done. Give me five minutes and then we can leave." Stare at your watch impatiently and count down the seconds._

"_No not yet James. I said five minutes. Don't rush me."_

And remember… DON'T RUSH HER!

Sometimes she just won't be in the mood to talk. Pick your moments wisely. When she looks like she's about to throttle you with her bare hands, choose another moment to discuss the pros and cons of the crucial situation in painting the kitchen Dazzling White Diamond, Opulent Ivory or Bashful Beige. For, God Forbid, they're so different that you wouldn't want to pick the wrong one.

"_How was your day Lily?"_

"_Ok."_

"_What do you want for dinner?"_

"_Don't care."_

_Carry on asking questions and receiving one or two word answers for the next ten minutes._

"_Are you okay Lily? What's wrong?"_

"_Nothing."_

'Nothing' really means 'something' and you should be on your toes. 'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling she has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usually signifies an argument that will last 'five minutes' and end with 'fine' if you persist in annoying her. Take your cue and leave her alone. Maybe for the first time in your life, don't start another argument.

You know better than anybody how to tick her off. You leave your wadded up dirty socks tucked behind the cushions on the couch for guests to find when they visit and you pile the dishes up in Mt Everest sized piles by the kitchen for her to clean up.

'Go ahead' with raised eyebrows. This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the word 'Fine'.

_Smile sweetly and winningly. Know that she can see right through you. _

"_Sweetheart?" _

_Quail slightly as she stares directly at you, hands on hips._

"_Muffin?"_

_She glares._

"_My delicate flower of perfection and beauty?"_

_Never try flattery again. Bite your lips to stop yourself blurting that she currently looks like professor McGonagall with her lips pursed so tightly they're hardly visible._

"_Can I please borrow that lovely apricot moisturiser of yours?"_

_Smile brightly as she stares at you like you've just been bashed over the head._

"_You mean my hideously expensive Line Reducing Eye Cream?"_

_Nod in agreement. "That's the one. It's really cleared up that rash I had all over my legs."_

_Watch her grimace in disgust while a look of fierce appal covers her face. Force a laugh. "Not that I've used it."_

"_What do you think James?" She sounds pissed._

"_Err, yes?"_

_Her eyes are piercing and you know she's wondering if you're a few anchovies short of a supreme pizza._

"_Go ahead."_

Now think about it. And most of all… DO NOT USE IT! Remember your good friend sarcasm?

A 'Loud Sigh' is not actually a word but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men; especially you. It means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing.'

"_James, you can't take a ten week old baby on a broomstick." She taps her foot impatiently. You've been arguing over the same thing for close to an hour._

"_Why not?" Look baffled._

"_Because. It's dangerous. You cannot take him up there!"_

"_He'll have fun. It's part of learning. Don't you want your son to learn new skills?" Try to sound intelligent but know that you sound like an idiot anyway._

"_Learning to ride a stupid, mouldy plank of wood is not an important skill that he needs to know. Especially when he can't even walk or talk yet."_

_Look appalled. "A stupid, mouldy plank of wood?" Gape ridiculously like she's just insulted your best friend. Not that you'd care much if she called Sirius a 'stupid, mouldy plank of wood.' You'd probably laugh hysterically._

_She sighs loudly while shaking her head. No matter how many times she repeats this to you, you will never learn. You don't want to learn. You are stubborn and you want to take your ten week old son for a broomstick ride no matter how idiotic and dangerous it could be._

'That's okay' is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. 'That's Okay' is often used with the word 'Fine' and in conjunction with a 'Raised Eyebrow.'

On the other hand, 'Please Do' indicates that she in anything but impressed with your recent antics.

_Gaze helplessly at her as those startling emerald orbs fill with tears. Feeling the guilt churning unpleasantly in your stomach._

"_How could you do that James? You knew how much it meant to me." Tears fall from her eyes but she is still angry._

"_I'm sorry Lily. I really am. I can explain. I promise." Beg for forgiveness and attempt to feed her your pitiful excuses that she will never in a million years believe. And really, who would?_

"_Please do."_

This is not a statement, it is an offer. She is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a 'That's Okay'.

_In this particular instance, maybe it's better not to explain that your legitimate reason for missing and wasting your tickets to Celestina Warbeck's 'Cauldron Full of Hot, Hip Hits' concert was from being forced to accompany Sirius for his first job interview. She probably won't understand your requirement as his make-up artist before his interview for 'Could you be Witch Weekly's newest male model?'. Let's just say that you're in enough shit for mistaking Sirius' lipstick for eye shadow._

Once in a while, do something nice for her for a change. Cook dinner (without burning it or setting the house on fire). Bring her flowers. Tell her she's beautiful. Despite your allergic reaction to it, do the housework.

_Notice how she smiles and her eyes sparkle. "Thanks James."_

She is thanking you. Do not faint. It does happen occasionally. Just say you're welcome.

"_What do you think James?" She sits down opposite you and waits expectantly for your reaction. Look down at the plate in front of you that she has lovingly prepared. It looks like bark chips swimming in mud or what Harry left in his nappy yesterday._

"_What is it?" Eye it warily. She looks at you, offended._

"_Beef stew of course. What does it look like?" Don't answer. She doesn't really want to know the answer you want to give her._

"_Well, are you going to eat it or just stare at it?" She snaps. Eye it warily again. She glares at you. Carefully pick up your spoon and pick up the tiniest bit possible. Hesitate as you raise it to your mouth knowing she is watching you carefully and is not at all impressed with your attitude._

_Eat it. Gag as you swallow. It tastes even worse than you had thought it would. Immediately down your whole glass of water but the awful taste lingers. Push your bowl away. Notice her scowl._

"_I'm not hungry." Her scowl will deepen._

"_You said you were starving ten minutes ago." She says dangerously. Refrain from telling her that you would rather kiss Sirius than eat the poison in front of you. That is saying something._

"_I lost my appetite." Give her a weak smile that she sees straight through._

"_I spend all day cooking for you only to have you turn it away. Thanks a lot James."_

This is much different from 'Thanks.' She will say 'Thanks A Lot' when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way and will be followed by a 'Loud Sigh.' Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the 'Loud Sigh,' as she will only tell you 'Nothing'.

One look has haunted you from your first day at Hogwarts.

_Gaze at the beautiful creation that is your new born son._

"_Lils, what's wrong with him?"_

_Notice how her eyes – which were previously gazing misty eyed at her son – are now narrowed into slits at you. "What do you mean, what's wrong with him? He's beautiful."_

_Beautiful. That would be a matter of opinion. Maybe compared to troll. You think he looks like a goo covered flobber worm. "Why's he all red and wrinkly? He looks like an angry miniature sumo-wrestler."_

_She's not happy. Delicately, she caresses his tiny little face with a soft finger. "He looks just like his daddy."_

_Grimace in disgust. "I'm not ugly!" Your voice comes out louder than you intend and the nurse shoots a nasty look in your direction. _

_Your wife glares at you. _

The Glare. You know the one. Where her eyes are narrowed to slits and her jaw is set in anger. This one she's kept all the way from your school days. This look has been perfected as nothing else has. She's furious.

This however, isn't the only intimidation tactic retained from Hogwarts. A few personal favourites will always bring a grimace of reminiscence.

"_What did you do?"_

This isn't a question. It's a command. She is daring you to explain whatever crime you have committed and are currently burning with guilt from. But more so, she's begging you to give up your ridiculous attempts to flutter your eyelashes hopefully while giving her your best puppy dog eyes which only results in you appearing to have a nasty eye twitch.

But not every word – or look – in your relationship means you're in trouble, although sometimes it may seem like it.

"James?" She's looking at you right now, her eyes half closed as she reclines on the couch by the fire. Your year old son is for once sleeping peacefully in his cot. You'd also just like to point out that his looks improved dramatically. He's now well on his way to being as handsome as his daddy.

"Yes Lils?" Don't take too long to answer her. Walk over to the couch and smile as you see her looking so peaceful. She's looking at you now, a smile curving her full, pink lips.

Her smile is as sweet as sugar, brilliant emerald eyes sparkling innocently. Blonde eyelashes sweep her face as she flutters them beautifully at you. Feel your heart melt.

She's asking for something. She knows that you can't resist. That's why she does it. She always gets her way.

"Will you give me a foot massage?" She gives a big yawn and suddenly you find yourself bending down to draw soothing circles on the soles of her feet. You can't resist giving her toes a faint tickle. Watch her writhe out of your grasp as she giggles.

Snuggle up next to her and feel her head move to rest against your chest. Close your eyes in contentment and listen to her soft breathing.

Hold her tightly to your chest as she dozes. Wrap your arms around her to keep her warm. Give her a gentle massage.

She gives a small sigh. Again, this in not a word but a non-verbal statement. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Smile against her hair as you give her a soft kiss.

"Love you James."

That's the most important phrase ever uttered. Know as your heart is full, that you will never love someone like you love her; your wife, your best friend, your angel.

And maybe, at the end of the day, you don't need a manual after all because despite how often you fight, how close she gets to ripping your hair out and you hers, you wouldn't change a thing. This is your life, your happiness and somehow that's enough. You don't need perfectly smooth sailing because where's the fun in that?

All you need is her, temper and all.

"I love you too Lily."

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**Okay that's version one. You don't have to read the other version at all but I would love to know which one you think is better. I don't know if the end of this was a bit too fluffy and changed the mood of the story too much. Please review:D xx**


	2. Version 2

**The content is slightly different, and there are some exclusions and additions from the first version. Hope you enjoy!**

**---**

**Version 2.**

"Why are women so bloody hard to understand?" An irate James huffed as he sat down heavily.

"Beats me." Sirius shrugged.

"There should be a dictionary, or a manual, to the way a girl's mind works. A translation of what they say and what they really mean. An explanation of all the mad things they do." James declared to a fervently nodding Sirius.

"So, what'd you do this time?" Sirius asked eventually when James continued to sit there in silence looking downcast.

After spending so many years chasing her and enduring repeated rejections and insults, James had finally gotten the girl he had been lusting (and drooling) after for so long. Yet while he may have managed to charm her somehow into going out with him, and even marrying him, he still couldn't keep her fierce redhead temper averted from him.

"Dunno." James sighed dolefully.

"Men are just clueless." A female voice interrupted. Two startled heads turned to look at the girl sitting next to them. Lily's best friend. They hadn't noticed her presence when they had settled down in one of one of the couches in their house. He had forgotten that she was here too, as was Sirius, for some dinner thing Lily had wanted to have. To be honest, James hadn't really listened when she had been explaining it.

"Excuse me?" James asked, looking at the rude interruption.

The girl shrugged casually. "Men are clueless, and tactless. There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything girls do. Men just don't understand."

James looked slightly incensed at her words. "Oh yeah?" He challenged, his eyebrows raised doubtfully.

She nodded. "There is a logical reason for her anger. You screwed up and Lily was just letting you know."

"I screwed up?" James questioned outraged. Really, the cheek of this girl. "And what are you, her spokes person?"

"No. I just thought you said you needed help understanding the workings of Lily Evans' mind." She replied slightly coolly.

"Yeah well… I don't!" James retorted huffily. He didn't need her help. He was just fine. Perfectly fine. So incredibly – wait… why was she leaving?

"Where are you going?" James called at her retreating back. She turned slowly and looked at him, tapping her foot impatiently.

"I'm…" James gulped. He could do this. He could do this. "I'm…" Taking a long slow breath he braced himself to say the hardest word in the world. "I'm s–" He pictured Lily's beautiful smiling face in his mind. He was doing this for her. Him and her. "I'm sorry." He finished pathetically, feeling more exhausted than if he had just tried to swim across the Great Lake.

"And…?" She smiled sweetly and James scowled. She was enjoying torturing him far too much.

"Will you help me?" James muttered back grudgingly.

With a wide smile she walked back over to the couch and sat down making herself comfortable.

"So you want to know the inner workings of Lily's mind?" James gave a definite nod. "What she says and what she really means." Another firm nod.

"Okay. To start: a few ground rules. When she says 'maybe' what she really means is yes. 'I'll think about it' is the same thing as 'of course'. 'I'll see' translates to 'never in a million years'. 'I suppose' means that she desperately wants to say no but your puppy dog eyes are making the guilt build up and she can't bare your disappointed face so she is reluctantly agreeing to whatever insane idea you have sprouted. 'No' indicates that she really wants to say yes but she doesn't want to seem overeager and wants to make you squirm first before really saying yes. Got that so far?"

James stared at her in utter bemusement with his mouth gaping rather unattractively. Why couldn't girls just bloody well say what they mean? This was worse than bloody code. In fact, it pretty much _was_ a code.

He voiced his thoughts, a little more forcefully than he had intended, and her face remained unimpressed.

"Stop complaining. Do you want to know this or not?" She challenged. James knew as well as she did that she could easily get up and leave any minute. He also knew, all too well, that he desperately needed this advice. He had some long overdue grovelling and he was hoping to put off another argument for at least a week if possible.

"And close your mouth. You look like you're trying to catch flies." She added, watching his face with amusement.

James seemed to jolt awake from his reverie and looked a little disgruntled. "If 'no' pretty much means the same thing as yes, does that mean that Lily really has wanted to go out with me all these years? And then, why did she repeatedly torture me with rejections when she really wanted to go out with me?" James was more than a little disgruntled now. More like downright peeved.

She looked at him with what appeared to be sympathy. "She didn't say 'no' to all your dating proposals." She said simply. James was taken aback.

"Yes she did." He protested but she shook her head.

"Uh-uh. I believe some of her responses were 'No way in hell!' 'Get lost Potter!' 'I'd rather date the giant squid. Or Snape!' 'Get out of my way before I hex you.' 'F off Potter!' 'I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a fork' 'Go jump off the astronomy tower' –"

"Okay okay, I think I get the point. It was bad enough having to experience all of those _once_. I do not need to _relive every single time Lily rejected me_!" James cut her off hurriedly, looking a little pinker than usual. The corner of her mouth twitched slightly as she tried to conceal a smile.

"Anyway, all I was trying to point out is that she never actually said 'no' as such. Just other variations which actually meant no." She explained. "Ready to go on?" Still looking a little disgruntled James nodded.

"Now I'll give you a basic sum up of the terminology. Think of it as… a dictionary I suppose. Or the Bible." James goggled at her but refrained from interrupting. It was hard. "'Fine'. This is the word she uses to end an argument when she feels, or should I say knows, that she is right and you need to shut up before she belts you. This basically sums up every argument you have."

A rather unpleasant memory crept across James' rather stupefied mind. He winced slightly at the recollection.

"_I can't believe you James Potter!" She had screamed. "It's completely ruined!" _

_Angry tears pricked at her eyes and James sheepishly looked at the offending object he had ruined. It was her favourite skirt that was now covered in green slimy goo. James winced as he eyed it. Not even he wanted to touch it. The goo had been aimed at Snape._

"_It's not ruined. Look, it'll come off with a bit of water."_

_Being the incredibly bright wizard that he was, James aimed his wand at the skirt and shot a jet of water out the end. Lily's face quickly turned flaming red with fury._

"_Now look what you've done!" She was completely drenched and shaking with suppressed, or not so suppressed, rage. The thought of performing a drying charm crossed James' mind but he tossed the idea away instantly. His life was already at stake._

_James attempted a sheepish smile which Lily certainly did not fall for._

"_Sorry Lily. I didn't mean for that to happen. I'll make it up to you. I'll buy you a new one." James apologised profusely but her face was set in anger._

"_Fine." She said shortly._

That had been his cue to shut up supposedly. And to think, if he had known the terminology all that time ago he may have even prevented the half hour rant that followed.

That voice like a monotonous news reader continued. "Never use 'fine' to describe how she looks. Ever. This will only cause you to have yet another one of those arguments." She continued, oblivious to his momentary lapse of concentration.

"_How do I look?" Lily was standing in front of the mirror gazing critically at her reflection. She has been there for the past half an hour. And for the two hours before that she has been getting herself ready despite James having told her that it was a 'casual' get together. To her, this clearly meant 'semi-formal' as opposed to 'formal'. She still believed that James was joking about going in jeans and a t-shirt._

_James looked up carefully from where he had been falling asleep for the past two and a half hours from boredom. "Fine."_

He didn't really need her piece of advice on that one. Just the memory of Lily's beautifully made up face growing pink and the long argument that had followed had sent him the clear message of never saying she looked 'fine'.

"'Five minutes'. This is the same thing as half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that you will be playing quidditch for before you help with anything, so it's an even trade. And remember… DON'T RUSH HER!" She looked at him sternly and James found himself involuntarily looking sheepish.

James attempted to store that in his brain. Unfortunately his long term memory seemed to be malfunctioning from overload due to the massive intake of new information that was more that he had attempted to store in well over a year. Actually, probably ever.

"_Lily, can you please get out of the shower?" James asked as patiently as he could while rapping on the door._

"_Stop being so impatient. I'll be five minutes."_

_---_

"_Lily, we've been shopping for Christmas presents for ages. Are we nearly done yet?" James asked, the whine just audible in his voice._

"_We're nearly done. Give me five minutes and then we can leave." James stared at his watch impatiently and counted down the seconds._

"_No, not yet James. I said five minutes. Don't rush me."_

_Nearly an hour and five shopping bags later James managed to tear her away from the shops. He'd learned the meaning of that one long ago._

"'Nothing' really means 'something' and you should be on your toes. 'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling she has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usually signifies an argument that will last 'five minutes' and end with 'fine' if you persist in annoying her. Take your cue and leave her alone. Maybe for the first time in your life, don't start another argument."

James really wasn't enjoying all the blame pointing at him. How come everything always seemed to be his fault? He contemplated voicing his aggravations but swallowed them instead. No doubt she would only give a smart arse reply and make him feel like an idiot again.

"Just out of interest, how long exactly is this 'dictionary'." James asked carefully. He didn't receive a reply. Rather a stern look that reminded him strongly of Professor McGonagall that clearly told him to shut up and listen. For the first time in his life, he did take the hint. She continued and James' look of intense concentration returned. In fact, all the concentration was really starting to give him a headache.

"'Go ahead' with raised eyebrows. This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the word 'Fine'."

Hmm. James looked thoughtful for another second, contemplation the argument they had just the other day.

"Does that mean I'm _not_ allowed to give Harry a mohawk if she said to 'go ahead'?" James asked looking crestfallen.

Taking just after his dad, year-old Harry had a lovely tuft of the messiest raven hair. What was bad however, was Lily's tendency to give their _son_ little ponytails, not to mention the pink bows. Which was why the only true solution was to give the infant a nice 'manly' do. Like a mohawk. Buy him a leather jacket and he'd be picking the girls up in no time. At least according to James, anyhow.

"What do you think?" She challenged. James looked unhappily at Sirius who shook his head sympathetically.

"No?"

"Bingo." Damn. James had been really looking forward to that.

"A 'Loud Sigh' is not actually a word but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men, especially you. It means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing'." She looked at him with a small smile twitching at her lips. "Last week's argument over the TV."

James turned a little pink. Why did everyone always laugh at him over that? It was perfectly reasonable to think that there were miniature people in the stupid box. How was he supposed to know that they weren't trapped in there? He'd only been trying to set them free. It wasn't like he'd intentionally blasted it apart.

"'Soft Sigh'. Again, this in not a word but a non-verbal statement. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content." A pleased look passed across James' face. So there was at least something he could do right.

Across the sofa, Sirius was making numerous mocking faces at James. Covering his snort of laughter with a hacking cough, James shot him a quick glare that seemed to lose its affect with the way his mouth twitched as if fighting back a grin.

"'That's okay' is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. 'That's Okay' is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a 'Raised Eyebrow.'" That, look, the one that quite plainly said 'check your underwear for tarantulas from now on' was written plainly across her face.

Putting his memory to the test, James subconsciously scrunched up his nose slightly in concentration. Had she said 'that's okay' yesterday? When she'd discovered her favourite scarf made by her grandmother for her 9th birthday had been used to clean up Harry's most recent excrements? Well, honestly, how was he to know that she'd adored that scarf? Or that it had been the closest thing within reach at the time in the absence of tissues?

A sharp poke in the ribs brought her back to his attention. "Are you remembering all this so far?" As she eyes him dangerously, James nodded fervently in what he hoped was a convincing manner.

"Sometimes, she'll appreciate the times you act housetrained." She grinned mischievously, as if daring him to retort to her cleverly concealed insult. Instead, James settled for a glare. "Do something nice for her for a change. Cook dinner - without burning it or setting the house on fire. Bring her flowers. Tell her she's beautiful. Despite your allergic reaction to it, do the housework."

Making a gagging motion, James avoided the searching eyes of his best mate as the sound of his guffaws rang in his ears. _Stupid prat,_ thought James mutinously. _I don't see anyone asking him to do any housework._

"She will thank you. Don't faint. Don't start hyperventilating. It does happen occasionally. Just say you're welcome."

Nodding thoughtfully, James stared heavily at his hands, placed comfortably in his lap. Do something nice. That wasn't too hard. He'd cook dinner tonight. Wait, no, she'd already prepared a roast. Then he'd give her flower. Hmm, no, she was allergic to pollen. Cleaning… no, he didn't really want to go there. Buy her a gift? Ah, did the newest Nimbus 1500 count as a thoughtful present?

"No!"

The startling voice brought James back to reality as he looked into a highly disapproving face.

"You've really got to learn not to mumble what you're thinking." She told him firmly. "And buying her a gift you want of which she has no use is not thoughtful in the least."

James frowned and let out a sigh. "Alright then, carry on." This was better over and done with.

"Whatever. 'Thanks a lot' should never be confused with a grateful 'thanks.' She will say 'Thanks A Lot' when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way and will be followed by a 'Loud Sigh.' Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the 'Loud Sigh,' as she will only tell you 'Nothing'."

"_What do you think James?" Lily sat down opposite James, her expression one of immense pride. With a beaming smile didn't falter as she waited expectantly for a reaction. Any reaction._

_With growing trepidation, James peered down into the bowl placed neatly in front of him; the meal she had lovingly prepared just for him. Feeling a grimace coming on, James fought to keep a straight face. It looked like bark chips swimming in mud, or what Harry had left in his nappy yesterday._

"_What is it?" Trying to keep his voice casual and upbeat as he eyed the dish warily, James could feel her penetrating gaze of him. Chancing a quick glance up, there was no mistaking the obvious offence evident on her face._

"_Beef stew of course. What does it look like?"_

_Feeling this time that it would be safer not to answer, James bit his lip and frowned._

"_Well," Her voice sounded snappish and it was amazing to James how quickly the mood had changed, "are you going to eat it or just stare at it?"_

_Her glare is boring a hole into your skull as you avoid her eyes. Gingerly, James picked up his spoon, taking the tiniest amount possible. Discreetly trying to block his nose, James hesitantly raised it to his lips, knowing her gaze never one moved from him. Her expression gave away every ounce of her dissatisfaction at his reaction._

_Gagging slightly, James instantly downed his entire glass of water but nothing seemed to erase the lingering taste in his mouth. James' expectations had by no means been high, and even with his wild imagination thinking up how awful it could taste, it beat it. Feeling nauseous, James pushed the bowl away from him. Lily scowled._

"_I'm not hungry." James' voice sounded feeble and Lily's eyes narrowed dangerously._

"_You said you were starving ten minutes ago." She pointed out acidly._

_James looked helplessly down at the table. "I lost my appetite." Her unfaltering hard expression proved that she saw straight through his weak smile._

"_I spend all day cooking for you only to have you turn it away. Thanks a lot James."_

James positively winced at the memory. His stomach growled with hunger just thinking of it. Two weeks on and he hadn't been given a proper meal in days. _That's what suggesting to your wife that she should take up a new hobby does to you_, he thought mulishly. _She tries to cook, fails and then refuses to give you decent food for two weeks._

"This one, I'm sure is your favourite." She continued. "The Glare. You know the one. Where her eyes are narrowed to slits and her jaw is set in anger. This one she's kept all the way from your school days. This look has been perfected as nothing else has. She's furious."

His face growing hot, James felt a tremor of fear in him at the very thought. The Glare. The last time he'd seen that one in it's element he'd been chucked into a waiting room with cold coffee and stale biscuits by a nurse with no sense of humour.

_Gazing down at the beautiful creation that was his new born son, James felt the sudden rise of emotion a little overpowering._

"_Lils, what's wrong with him." Okay, he hadn't meant for it to come out so bluntly._

_Her eyes narrowed, the change from the misty eyed gaze she'd been previously giving her son quite astounding. "What do you mean, what's wrong with him? He's beautiful."_

_Beautiful. That, James decided, was quite a matter of opinion. Maybe compared to a troll. Personally, James thought he looked more like a goo covered flobber worm._

"_Why'd he all red and wrinkly? He looks like an angry miniature sumo-wrestler."_

_With a single finger, Lily delicately caressed the tiny face of her new-born son. "He looks just like his daddy." She said in a voice that sounded delirious with happiness._

_James grimaced in disgust. "I'm not ugly!" His voice came out a little louder than intended and the grouchy nurse shot him a nasty look._

_Turning in his direction, Lily glared furiously at him._

That was still a sore spot between them. James was just glad that baby Harry's looks had improved dramatically and was now well on his way to being as handsome as his daddy.

"Another popular one is 'What did you do?'. This is not a question, but a command. She is daring you to explain whatever crime you have committed and are currently burning with guilt from. But more so, she's begging you to give up your ridiculous attempts to flutter your eyelashes hopefully while giving her your best puppy dog eyes which only results in you appearing to have a nasty eye twitch."

Why did Lily have to tell her everything? Next thing he'd know and she'd be endlessly ridiculing him for… no he didn't want to even go there.

"So is there anything I can do right?" James asked flatly, feeling thoroughly fed up with this 'dictionary.'

A loud cough, in which something dirty and inappropriate was concealed, came from a currently chuckling Sirius. Everybody ignored him.

She smiled. "I believe there is. While again not a word, this is one of her favourites. The fluttering eyelashes accompanied with a sweet smile. Faultless. She's asking for something. She knows that you can't resist. That's why she does it. She always gets her way."

James sighed. Now that was true. He ended up like putty in her hands giving out foot massages and finding himself battling the blistering cold as he rushed to the nearest store for chocolate.

She was looking at him now, as if in completion.

"That's it?" James asked disbelievingly. She nodded.

"If you remember this, you are well on your way to avoiding some of those ever frequently occurring arguments."

The only problem, how was he supposed to remember all of that? It had taken her a good 15 minutes just to explain it all.

James looked at her questioningly. "So, er, when are you publishing the book then?"

---

Hours later, curled up in his warm bed, his hand sore from washing dishes, a cut on his finger from when he'd dropped a plate trying to help tidy up and a singe on his shirt from his over-enthusiasm with the cooking, and James was running through every piece of advice he could still remember.

"You okay James?" Lily's quiet voice interrupted his thought and he rolled over to face her. "You're acting a little strange tonight."

Shrugging, James realised she couldn't see this through the covers. "Yeah, I'm just thinking."

And suddenly, without meaning to, he was spilling the ridiculous lessons he'd wasted his afternoon listening to. A small giggle of laughter escaped Lily.

"You really asked her for help?" She question slightly disbelievingly. Without a word, James nodded.

Warm arms came to wrap around him and she shuffled into the crook of his arm.

"I love you James Potter." She whispered softly into his ear and giving him a full kiss on the lips. "We don't need dictionaries, or rules to keep up happy because we have each other. And Harry. And even when we make mistakes, we argue, we yell, it just makes all the other moments that much more special. That's all that matters."

Pulling her around to face him, James took her beautiful face in his hands, running a calloused finger over her soft cheek. "You're amazing Lils, you know that?"

As his mind later turned blissfully blank and he sunk into sleep, James felt some strange feeling of complete contentment. This is all he needed.

And then, just before sleep overtook him, he heard it. A soft sigh as she snuggled into his chest.

---

**So, any preferences? Constructive criticisms? I know I said it in the first chapter, but just for good measure, I'd love you to review. I know that me saying that won't necessarily mean that you will, but I will greatly appreciate it if you do. xx**


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